Heartbeats and Halloween

I’ve had this post sitting as a draft since before the election. Then the election happened and I couldn’t post it. I need to compile my post election thoughts and add them, but in the meantime, a happier post.

I need to do an update post on how Nature Boy is doing with preschool. A short update, is it’s going amazingly well. Hurrah!

Nature Boy has been pretty excited about Halloween, as much as he could be without really having any idea what it was. We talked about costumes, trick or treating, and candy (of course). Halloween is one of my favorite holidays so I like to make a big deal about it. I started seriously asking him what he might like to dress up as a few months ago. The answer I got the most and with the most enthusiasm was “lawnmower” hmmm. I’m creative, but even I wasn’t sure how to pull that one off. I had seen people transform wagons into things as Halloween costume accessories though, and thought that looked like fun. At first, he was all about my firetruck idea. He’d be a fireman, I’d be a dog, and J would be a hydrant, or something along those lines. Then he wanted it to be a train and he’d be a “trainman” as he calls them. Then he got stuck on the idea of a tractor. We decided he should be his favorite character Blippi. He loves Blippi and thinks he’s the most amazing thing in the world. Even last night as he was sick and lying in bed watching Blippi, I said to J, “sometimes I wish he’d look at me the way he looks at Blippi” haha. If you don’t know who Blippi is and have a toddler/little kid, check it out. He’s goofy, but not nearly as annoying as half of the children’s media out there. So we got a “blippi outfit” and started turning his wagon into a tractor. Then we decided to buy a house and sell our house and life was nuts for a few weeks, but we managed to pull it all off somehow. We neglected to spend much time figuring out our costumes, so we stopped at a Halloween store while Nature Boy napped in the car. I ran in and tried to find anything semi-related to Blippi, tractors, and/or farms. I came out with a scarecrow and a bull-rider. We looked pretty ridiculous, but all of our neighbors thought we were amazing.

 

 

And we heard the little nugget’s heartbeat. The first ultrasound is so nerve wracking. But there it was, one little soon to be human with a flickering heartbeat. Such a relief!

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Beta Results

are in…. and it’s 518! That’s for 12dp5dpt, or 17 dpo, so fairly normal and average according to google. So we’re still pregnant, woo hoo! J goes back tomorrow morning for draw #2 and then if all is good we are to schedule an ultrasound. We aren’t sure if we are supposed to do this with the RE clinic or the midwives…but I guess we’ll find out.

The progesterone injections are terrible. At least for me, the person that has to inject a long and fat needle into my wife every night. Last night I asked if she wishes she would have done the suppositories and she said no. I think I do though, it’s the worst. And we (I) have to do it for 6 more weeks! Nature Boy is super helpful though and gives Momma her medicine multiple times (after I take the needle off of course). We told him Momma has a baby in her tummy. He asked to see it and then said I had one in my tummy. I guess we have a while for him to understand what it all means eh?

J thinks it’s a girl. I said she’s probably right. I always thought Nature Boy was a boy. It’s becoming more real now, and more fun as I realize that I’m going to get a baby and don’t have to be pregnant. I’ll report back on what’s worse overall, being pregnant or having a pregnant wife. So far J wants to sleep all the time, but is a real trooper in trying to fight the fatigue. She hates food and can’t look at it, but has to eat it. She only wants to eat meat, gross. Everything is growing and expanding. That little poppyseed is doing quite a number on her.

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So we tested yesterday morning

And it there was definitely a second line. Not even a squinter like the first BFP I got with Nature Boy, but a for sure line in all the different lighting we tried.

Sunday was 5 days past a 5 day transfer, so pretty good odds of getting a positive if J was in fact pregnant. She also took a test on Friday morning, which was negative, to make sure the trigger was out of her system. I was surprised she wanted to test. I had asked her to do it for me because the beta isn’t scheduled until next Sunday, the 16th. Sooooo much waiting! But I thought she’d want to wait until at least today, or even tomorrow to take a home test. Even after 8 years I still get surprised by her from time to time.

Almost exactly a year after we started trying for #2, we finally get a positive test. I don’t quite believe it and am feeling even more nervous about a miscarriage or “chemical pregnancy” than I ever did when I was pregnant. I wish the beta wasn’t so far away. Is it normal for it to be that far out? The 16th will be 12 days past a 5 day transfer. Seems like a long wait. Oh well I guess…right? J has told her family, but I haven’t told mine yet. I think I’d like to wait until we get beta results to tell my family and friends, or to call the midwives at the birthing center we plan on using. There is also an early ultrasound with the RE office, not sure when that will be yet (if the beta results are good that is).

The good news is that J is eating like a horse, feeling really nauseous, and needs about 5 naps a day. I’ll update after our beta results confirm things, but promising stuff over here.

In Nature Boy news, he started Montessori preschool full time last week. This morning he cried and says he hates school and wanted Mommy to stay home, he also said he wanted to go to the grocery store with Momma. It’s normal for them to prefer to be with their parents right? It will pass and one day he’ll be excited that Monday, and another school day is here? Okay, not so hopeful about that second part ever happening. The relieving news is that he only cries for 30 seconds after J drops him off, he seems happy as can be when I pick him up at the end of the day (sometimes he even has a spring in his step and is more boisterous than I’ve ever seen him be) and his teachers say he is talking more and more to them and telling them what he wants and needs. They are very impressed with his vocabulary and ability to express his emotions. Last week one of them even said he was “too advanced”. I’ll take it!

Yes, I admit I’m happy to brag about my kid. It feels awesome to know we are doing something right after worrying so much about his development in other areas (especially gross motor, he still can’t jump). It’s weird not to get text and photo updates during the day. I feel bad calling to check on him though. Sleep has been a roller coaster since the change. He hasn’t talked or asked about his nanny as much as I thought he would. He still doesn’t seem to really care for other kids at all, but is getting more assertive. This weekend he told other gets to leave when they were on something he wanted to play on. He has always been the one to run away, get toys taken away from, get pushed aside, so I was kind of surprised/happy when my mom told me he did it. Things are looking up a bit and we’re hopeful it’s all going to work out and be really beneficial eventually.

 

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Stimming Along

Best laid plans eh?

Life is hard. Two  parents working full-time is hard. Marriage is hard. TTC is hard. Cancer is hard. Big life decisions are hard. Sigh….There are so many things to write about, to process, to share. At work (and at home) I feel like I am constantly drowning, at least a month behind. I tell myself it won’t always be this way. And then I find myself frozen. Drowning and frozen, great visual haha. And the result is well, as you can imagine, stuck. I can’t always see the light at the end of the tunnel and I don’t know where to start, what to focus on. Life is just hard.

But Nature Boy is amazing. He is really the most awesome kid ever and of course everyone’s kid is the most awesome kid ever. We really lucked out with this one, now only if he would sleep better. Maybe next month.

Our nanny put in her notice last week. They are moving, her husband got an awesome job offer. Back to big life decisions and cancer….great for them, bad timing for us. After lots of talking, and thinking, and researching things like selective mustism and how awful of a mother it would make me  to put him in a daycare, we found a Montessori school we feel mostly good about sending him to all day. It will make a huge difference in our budget and hopefully our quality of life. And hopefully it will only make me a slightly awful mother for putting my sweet, extremely shy child in this new and very social environment. His poor little world is about to be rocked. All I can do at this  point is hope it doesn’t ruin him.

But the good stuff. Today is day 5 of stims. J had a blood test yesterday and I guess everything looked good. Estradiol was 260ish? We have an ultrasound and another blood test tomorrow morning. I’m really excited to see how many follicles there are. None of this seems real. We’ve written the checks and picked up the meds and it still hasn’t sunk in yet that we are doing this. That J might be pregnant in a couple of weeks. I hope it works. I want so badly for Nature Boy to have a sibling. He would be such an awesome brother. He says he wants a sister. We’ll see buddy.

And more good stuff

 

 

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And we’re off

After a stressful and disappointing week, our IVF loan was finally approved!!

We are moving forward and CD 1 should be sometime next week. This is really happening.

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And then we wait

Well try # 8 was a bust. I did the math finally at it was 3 at home ICI’s, 3 unmedicated IUI’s and 2 medicated IUI’s. With the 2 medicated IUI’s J released 2 eggs each time and still didn’t get pregnant. When we met with our RE last week she said that based on what we’ve done so far (that hasn’t worked) the chance that, at this point, a medicated IUI will result in pregnancy for us is less than 8% a cycle. So, we decided to move forward with IVF.

When AF first came, J (who was away for work at the time) texted and said I should carry. Then next morning she texted and said she wanted to do IVF. This whole time she’s been really not interested in doing IVF. No way, no how. But evolution is a funny thing I guess. She wants a kid that shares her genetics and I want one that shares her genetics too. I do think she is pretty amazing after all.

We had an overwhelming and positive IVF consult appointment last week. It was SOOOO much information. My step-brother is getting married next month, and it was already CD 8, so we had to push our timeline back quite a bit. What’s a few more weeks when you’ve been trying for 10 months? So J will start the protocol next cycle and we’ll cross our fingers that we are in the 65-70% that will get pregnant. She still has to get an AMH test done and we have no clue how we are really going to pay for it, but we’re jumping in.

Any IVF tips, reading recommendations, suggestions, support are welcome.

In Nature Boy news, the other day he said he was a boy, that J was a boy and when asked if I was a boy or a girl he said “milkies” hahaha that’s all I am to him 😉

He also recently said that he and I both have green peacocks living in our belly buttons.

And that grandma is the President of the U.S.

Toddlers are awesome and he’s so much fun.

 

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Toddlerhood

Nature boy turned two on June 19th. He’s 33.75″ tall and weighs 25 lbs and 4 oz. He’s a little guy, but he did move up to the 15% for height (he’d been 2-5ish) before. His neighbor friend, who is 7 months younger than him, is almost as tall as him. It’s funny to have a little kid because people are always shocked when he say that he is 2. We love him just the way he is and the plus side is clothes fit him forever.

He’s also the sweetest 2 year old I have ever met (95% of the time), he has his moments of being 2 though of course. He constantly hugs, kisses, and comforts his stuffed animals, toys, and sometimes even strange household objects (dust pan, pieces of paper, food, etc). The other day same neighbor girl came to play and wanted to drive his truck, that he was already driving. Her mom told her it was Nature Boy’s turn and we tried to convince her riding in the back would be just as fun. She didn’t buy it, cue the crocodile tears. Nature Boy was so sad for her and said “sorry, sorry” and got out so she could drive it and got in the back as I pushed them around.

He is hilarious. He loves to make us laugh and gets himself going so much that he can’t even finish what he’s saying without dying of laughter first. He’s gets the cutest little smile on his face when he knows he did or said something funny.

He is obsessed with vehicles and knows many by name: excavator, tractor, trailer, firetruck, police car, cement mixer, car, truck, motorcycle, garbage truck, recycling truck, monster truck, bike, bus, lawnmower. He still loves the sun, moon, and stars. He loves animals, especially his puppy Xena, but he loves all animals and loves to pretend he’s various animals. His favorite movie is Charlotte’s Web.

He is a major introvert. Sometimes when the neighbor girl comes over he chooses to hide in the truck or the dog crate. He waves and says bye bye as soon as she gets there. He doesn’t like when people he doesn’t know well try to talk to him and will hide wherever and however he can if they do. He doesn’t like big crowds so we didn’t go to Pride or the art’s festival, and we steer clear of the park and other “kid places” on the weekends. He spend 75% of his birthday party hiding in his truck or his cardboard box.

He loves being in nature and riding on the bike with Mommy,or Momma. He asks every single day, even when it’s 105 degrees outside. He wants to be outside 95% of the time and we usually have to bribe him to come inside.

He’s overall pretty dang awesome. I love him more than I ever could have imagined and am so enjoying watching him grow into a kid instead of a baby, even though he’ll always be my little baby.

And some fun birthday pictures of our little goofball.Too many other kids in most of the pics, but a few anyway. He has a love affair with candles and cake. He’d been practicing for months and singing “happy dear Tice”. Super cute!

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Not so Easy

I miss blogging. Life has been a whirlwind since Nature Boy was born, and even more so the last 8 months or so. Some things are easier and some things are harder. I haven’t made time to come here and I miss it. We’ve been working on #2 for a while now and I’ve really missed being among a community of others who are trying, and failing, and succeeding to add to their families. So I’m going to attempt to come back here and reconnect with this space and this community.

To make a long, and honestly quite boring, story short we’ve been TTC #2 since September of last year. This time J is hopefully going to carry. We started out with at home ICI’s again and after those few tries, I decided that it is really a miracle I ever got pregnant that way. After a disaster with FedEx, we took a few months off and opted for a fertility clinic recommended by friends of ours. We did 3 unmedicated and unmonitored IUI’s. All BFN’s. Last month we did a medicated and monitored IUI, another BFN. And now we’re headed for a 2nd medicated and monitored IUI tomorrow. Phew, that exhausts me just to write it out.

We’re not sure what we will do if this attempt doesn’t work. We have 2 purchased vials left of the same donor (Socrates) we used to get Nature Boy. Last time we called the bank he had less than 20 vials, so we’re feeling like we need to make the most of what we have. We’ve discussed IVF and going back to me carrying. Neither option sounds super appealing. I do want to be pregnant again, but the timing is off. I just got a big promotion at work and Nature Boy is still nursing. At this rate I think he’ll be nursing until he’s 5. So we still have some thinking and deciding to do.

But I’m slightly hopeful that this IUI will  work and we won’t have to go with either option. It’s hard to stay hopeful though. We’re reaching the point where people that starting trying when we did are having babies. It sucks.

 

 

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Mr. Sun Sun, Mr. Golden Sun

Halloween is my favorite holiday (and my birthday) though that isn’t really why it’s my favorite, just part of why.

Nature Boy is obsessed with suns. He thinks anything with a circle is a sun. Sometimes he gets less and less discriminatory about what is included in the sun category. The other day he pointed to a blank page in a book and said and did the sign for sun. Ummm nope sorry kid, that one isn’t even close.

He is also, but not quite equally, mesmerized by stars and the moon. We, or maybe I, decided that he would be a sun for Halloween and J and I would be stars and the moon.

As I worked on his costume he got sooooo excited! He ran around the house screaming “SUN, SUN!” pointing to his costume and dragging us over to see it. Then as we finished our costumes he ran around saying and signing moon and star. This kid I tell ya, he isn’t called Nature Boy for no reason. He loves all things that have to do with nature and outside.

I was worried, but hopeful that he would tolerate his costume. He didn’t like it much at first, but once we moved the rays of the sun a bit, he was fine with it. He was in love with his glowing star wand and carried it all night surprisingly.

But you guys, my kid HATED trick or treating.I should have known. He is taking after me (the kid who was often mistaken as mute). He is terrified of people he doesn’t know well. He doesn’t like meeting new people or when his little friends try to hug him and touch him. He is definitely appearing to be an introvert, which is cool of course. Introverts are awesome.!images

The first house he was a little apprehensive about, but we carried him up there. He was confused and we moved on. The next house didn’t have anyone home so he played with their decor, took some candy and we moved along. Then third house he lost it. He went up to the door, we rang the bell and when the guy started coming to open the door he literally jumped off their porch. So….we just walked around and looked at decorations and jack-o-lanterns.

And some photos of the greatest holiday ever:

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Showing of his fancy halloween diaper (it glows in the dark!)

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Trying to get a good picture of the costume was hard!

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So was getting a good family picture, toddlers do not cooperate with picture taking

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One of the most awesome discoveries of the night, a fire hydrant!

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Practicing his wand skills

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Admiring the cool decorations

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Walking at night is soooo funny!

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Happy boy

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CD 1

Well it’s CD 1. I was hoping we’d get luck with 1 try, but didn’t really expect it to happen that quickly. Looking at J’s chart, I think our timing was pretty good. It’s hard to temp when you co sleep with a toddler who doesn’t sleep, but it seems like the timing was good. We have 2 more vials before we need to buy more and/or figure out a new plan. Onward and upward we go.

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