Monthly Archives: November 2013

The ever shrinking stomach

It doesn’t appear how it sounds. Externally my stomach does not appear to be shrinking. I actually look quite bloated most of the time. Some might even use the term plump. Internally is a different story however. I cannot seem to eat very much at all. I’m a fairly small person, but I can eat quite a bit when I’m hungry. Or I guess my former self could. ¬†I also LOVE food, like a lot, almost as much as I love beer. This new pregnant self and I are still getting acquainted and we very much disagree on eating habits. For the past three weeks I have barely had an appetite at all. It’s really very sad because my love of food is getting severely neglected, with no resolution in sight.

In addition to myself transforming into a food hater, Jamie is quite concerned with my lack of caloric intake. She often quizzes me about what I’ve eaten during the day and it often ends like this ūüė¶ ¬†I try to explain that I just can’t eat that much, but it’s hard to understand when you aren’t dealing with a shrunken stomach yourself. We just have pouty face wars and see who wins. If she does, I try to eat more and if I do, I don’t have to eat more.

I actually felt really hungry at lunch today, and while out running an errand for work, picked up some tacos. I ate one taco and 3 chips before I felt like I might puke if I ate or smelled another bite. Sigh.¬†I just keep imagining our little walrus (doesn’t it look like a walrus?) down there saying things like “Whoa fatty, slow down on the food, you don’t need to each that much” and “You aren’t feeding an army, just a pea sized walrus” or “I’ll make you throw up if you keep stuffing your face”








I know it sounds like I’m making our embryo into a heartless joker, but if it takes after me at all, it will be. I’m also sure that after it’s had 8 1/2 more months to grow, or however long it takes, our baby will have developed a well rounded personality that is sweet and loveable as well as sarcastic and witty.

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I can’t lie

I am a bad liar, like really bad. Which makes it hard not to tell the entire world that I’m pregnant. Quite a few people knew that we were trying, and we told them pretty quickly, before they could ask. Then there is ¬†Anxious Yogi, my boss.

There have been a number of conversations that have taken place that have made me extremely worried about how she would react to me being pregnant.

1. I had only been working at the organization for a few months and was really sick. We had a huge report and application due so I stuck it out. We were both in my office and I ran to the bathroom a few times to vomit, then we’d resume work when I got back. After we submitted everything I laid down in our massage room while I waited for Jamie to come get me. It was a rough day. After one of my sprints to the bathroom I told her not to worry, that I wasn’t pregnant. She laughed and said “Good, because if you were I’d fire you…just kidding, but I better be the first one to know” I said Jamie would be first of course, but she’d be high on the list, #4 or 5.

2. This previously mentioned conversation

3. A couple months ago we hired a new employee. I knew the day she started she was pregnant. Okay well I assumed. I came home and told Jamie either she had an extremely strange body type or she was pregnant. Her gay male supervisor and co-worked had no idea, which I find pretty amusing. A few weeks later she told her supervisor and then he told our leadership team. Anxious Yogi had no idea what our maternity policy was so I reluctantly informed everyone, worried that they would ask why I had every detail memorized. I also informed everyone that pregnancy is included in our nondiscrimination policy, in case that was an issue. The conversation continued for a quite a while speculating about whether or not she’d really come back after the baby was born. At some point I said “Well don’t worry about me, I really need this job so when I get pregnant I will definitely come back”. Our Medical Director said, “Oh don’t worry, you can take 6 months off if you want, you’ve proved how valuable you are and we need you.” Phew. Still nervous though.

Last week as we were waiting for a meeting to start, Anxious Yogi asked how my stepmom was doing. (I’ve decided I should give her a blog name, we’ll call her Tough Cookie). She then asked if Tough Cookie had anything coming up to look forward to, like a “try to make it to” date, like a wedding or a birth. Because I’m a terrible liar, I just laughed a little. Anxious Yogi thought I was off my rocker.

So I blurted out: Well we’re pregnant

Anxious Yogi: Who’s pregnant?

Me: I am

Anxious Yogi: Oh my gosh, congrats, I’m so excited. (big big hug)

Me:¬†(Trying to stop my heart from beating out of my chest) So yeah we’re due in about 9 months and we really hope Tough Cookie will make it to meet the baby.

Anxious Yogi: Starts asking a million questions about the donor, sperm banks, ob’s etc.¬†

I feel relieved that she knows, although I had planned it so much differently. I’d casually walk into her office and ask if she had a minute to chat. Then I’d say, Well I have some really good news, I’m pregnant, but don’t worry we timed it so that I won’t be gone during the busiest times of the year. She’d be disappointed, but understanding and glad that I told her early on and we’d carry on with our day. I’m glad it didn’t work out that way. I continue to be surprised with how excited she is. Other than telling me what a bad feminist I am for wanting a med free home birth, she’s been really cute actually. She gets giddy when she asks me about midwife interviews and asks how I’m feeling everyday. We haven’t talked about leave or working from home after the baby is here, but I am one lucky woman.



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Then we all fell down

I started this blog to document our journey of growing our little family and becoming parents for us, for our kids, and for anyone else that found it meaningful, funny, relatable, etc. As time has progressed however, it seems that this blog is becoming one about creating a life while another is lost.

We found out I was pregnant at about 7:00 am on Sunday the 28th. On Monday the 29th at 5:30 we found out that my stepmom was being admitted to the hospital to undergo spine surgery. They found a tumor on her spine, the front of her neck, and needed to operate as soon as possible to stabilize her spine so that should would not become paralyzed and to remove the tumor. I got the text from my dad right before I called my sister to tell her the good news. I also knew she didn’t get group texts, which meant I had to also share the bad news.

Jamie and I talked to her son, and our good friend, and asked whether he thought we should tell my dad and his mom about the pregnancy. They have both been really excited about us trying to get knocked up and they ask for updates whenever we see or talk to them. He said “good news is always good news”. We decided to feel it out at the hospital. She didn’t look good. Everyone was much more worried about this surgery than any of the others she’s had. When people were leaving they gave hugs and kisses instead of just saying “I love you” as they walked out of the room. I was scared too and wanted to tell her before surgery, just in case she didn’t make it I guess. I wanted her to know and wanted her to have some good news and something to look forward to. She was in a lot of pain so we decided to wait until her next round of pain medication. They were both really excited and happy.

She had surgery on Wednesday, they were supposed to do both the front and the back, but got behind schedule and only did the back the first day. Then, on Halloween (my birthday and favorite holiday) they did the second surgery. Anxious Yogi sent me home from work early and I straight to the hospital. We waited and waited and waited and finally she got out of surgery at 6:30 that night. Jamie and I waited with my dad and while we sat there watching the patient tracking chart, found out that they also found more tumors in her lower spine, brain, lung, liver, other kidney, and on and on and on. It’s every where. We also found out that back when they found the first brain tumors they gave her 4-6 months to live. That was almost 5 months ago.

Right now she’s still in the neuro critical care unit. She’s not getting enough oxygen. She also got ARDS about 15 years ago, so that certainly isn’t helping with the oxygen problem. To sum it up, it’s been a week of celebration and excited and also a week of coming to terms with reality. I knew when they found out the cancer had metastasized she had less than a 5% chance to live for five years. She’s one of the toughest people I know and I really hoped that if anyone could beat it, she could. ¬†Part of me feels like I should accept that she isn’t going to make it. The other part of me wants to hold onto that sliver of hope, the next drug trial, the miracle. I want her to meet our baby and I want our baby to know its grandma.

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Once upon a time there was a positive pregnancy test

The first week of the two week wait went by surprisingly fast. After our BFF left I really only had to wait for about a week to test. I talked to Jamie too see where she was at with testing early. After our first try, I started testing really early and then caught the testing bug and couldn’t stop. It was really devastating for Jamie to see the negative tests everyday so I stopped telling her when I tested. But she knew I was taking them and that they were all negative. She said she didn’t care this time, which as the amazing wife that I am, knew was a lie.

I broke down and tested on Friday, which was 9 days past ovulation (DPO) with a cheapie internet test and it was negative. That night Jamie asked if I tested, I said yes, ¬†then she asked if it was negative. I said that it was positive I definitely would have told her as soon as I took it. That would be so rude if I didn’t tell her about a positive right way. I didn’t test on Saturday, that night we went to a Thriller dance performance with Jamie’s little sis which was really fun, creepy but fun. Little sis and her boyfriend ended up staying the night so they didn’t have to drive 3 hours back home late at night. ¬†They are cute little Mormon’s. We let them sleep in the same room, which was a big deal apparently. We put two beds in there and let them decide how snugly they wanted to be. One of the fun things about living in “Zion” is lots of young kids with raging hormones, trying to remain temple worthy and not have sex or snuggle too much, which leads to soaking and lots of 18 and 19 years old kids getting married, which is a post for another day).

Sunday would be 11 DPO and I knew I wanted to test, but we have a cozy little bungalow. I had already hidden all signs of baby making, fertility monitor, pregnancy tests, books. We weren’t sure how her family would respond to our adventures in gayby making and I didn’t want to wake them up with my testing shenanigans.

Sunday I woke up really early, thanks to tracking my temperature like a champ. I tried to go back to sleep but my bladder told me it was going to explode so I complied. Who wants to clean up after an exploded bladder? Not me.¬†I sneakily, and as quietly as the second most clumsiest person in the world can, found a couple of tests a (store brand early test and another internet cheapie) . I did the potty dance for waaay too long while I was looking for and trying to open them in my half slumbered state, hoping not to wake the sleeping little Mormons in the next room. I didn’t stare at the test for 2 minutes this time like usual. I set a timer on my phone and started at the Indian Ocean off the coast of South Africa









Isn’t it beautiful?

The timer went off and I tried to quickly turn it off, it was an awful sound and I was sure that it woke up everyone up. I looked at the early test and said holy shit is that a line? No way I thought. I picked up it and sure enough I could see the faintest of faint lines. I ran/walked quietly back to our bedroom and turned on the light, but of course at that moment the bulb died, seriously. I hopped into bed.¬†¬†Jamie is not a morning person. Okay, that’s a lie. Jamie has the least amount of morning person in her of anyone I have ever met. She was out like a rock.

Me: I want to show you something ( as I fumble around with my phone trying to find the flashlight)

Jamie: Okay show me (groggily with her eyes still closed)

Me: You have to wake up for me to show you silly

Jamie: What is it? (finally opens her eyes)

Me: I think there is a line, do you see a line?

Jamie: No…maybe a little. I need to see a darker line to believe it

So I got out the computer and searched for “faint positive pregnancy tests” I showed her and then she believed it. We hugged and cried and kissed. Jamie did silent dancing and fist pumping in the air, declaring herself the best inseminator in the world (it’s true).

Then I remembered that I left the other test in the bathroom and hurried and got it before the kids woke up. There aren’t really kids at 19, but they seem so young. It had a faint line as well. We continued our celebration in near silence and even though we didn’t get to sleep until about 2am we couldn’t go back to sleep.

We told my mom later that day and she was thrilled. I expected her to get all teary, she’s a big crier, but she didn’t. She said she knew that’s why we were coming over and cried about it earlier. ¬†It felt weird rushing to tell people, but so many people knew that we were trying. I knew they would ask the next time they called and I can’t lie. I wanted to make sure we told people in person instead of over the phone so we told a couple friends and my mom and then called my sisters that night to tell them. I’ve taken a few more tests including this morning to make sure they are still positive and so far so positive.

Test 1 & 2, Sunday

Test 1 & 2, Sunday










Test 3, Monday

Test 3, Monday










Test 4, Tuesday

Test 4, Tuesday










Test 5, Thursday after I felt period like cramps I tested after work

Test 5, Thursday after I felt period like cramps I tested after work











Test 6, Friday

Test 6, Friday










I can probably stop testing I guess. Now my period is officially late and I’ve called a few midwives to schedule consultations so it’s all starting to feel kind of real. We also found out that our due date is really close to our anniversary, which is July 8th. So we inseminated on Jamie’s birthday, found out right before mine, and the little one might come on our anniversary. How cool is that?

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