Well, I had my first pregnancy emotional breakdown today. I should preface that by explaining that a breakdown for me means a few minutes of uncontrollable tears on one or more occasions. Ever since Tough Cookie really started to get sick, and the prognosis became more bleak, the car has been the place I cry the most. I have no idea why, it’s kind of dangerous if you think about it. Not as dangerous and sneezing while driving but dangerous nonetheless.
My dad starting “dating” someone. I feel so many things about this, none of which matter as much as how he feels about it. I have never lost my love and he is his own person, so I am just trying to be supportive and understanding. It might be because of this, or just because, but I have been thinking about Tough Cookie a lot this week. We take the dogs for a walk almost every night after work and there is a house that often has a walker outside. It’s just like one she used for the majority of last year. Last night and the night before I had dreams over and over again of helping her into the walker, out of it, taking her to the bathroom, the time I accidentally dropped her on the floor. Then, I started dreaming of when she could still walk and just used the walker to help staedy her after she had radiation on her hip and pelvis and was sore and weak. She was in her kitchen making jam from buckets of peaches from their yard. If it weren’t for her limp and the walker you might not even know she was sick. My brain just keep flashing between her when she was healthy and when she suddenly wasn’t. It’s emotionally exhausting. I worry that I am forgetting her. Her laugh, her voice, what she was like before she was sick.
Activist Genius called today. She told me that her husband got the job in Cali so they are heading there at some point in the near future. She said they don’t have a plan yet, but they are going out there next month to figure stuff out. She also suggested we see an OB in the Maternal Fetal Medicine department…just in case. I don’t like how this feels at all. We knew she was moving but it started out as her definitely staying to catch our baby… to maybe she wouldn’t be here… to now it’s not looking like she won’t be around and that maybe she is wanting to get us off her hands. I know, I’m probably just being an overly emotional pregnant lady
I went to get lunch and a coffee and just started crying in the car. I managed to pull myself together as I got my stuff at the store, but as soon as I got in the car I started crying again. I’ve been crying off and on in my office since I got back from lunch. My co-workers probably think I’m losing it. I feel like I’m losing it. Tough Cookie was the person I would call in these situations before. She was only person who would just listen and be supportive. The only person who gave honest advice. I miss her. I try to imagine what she would say. She would say she would want my dad to be happy. Early on when we were dating Wifey and I were hanging out with my dad and Tough Cookie. Tough Cookie wanted to know if one of us was a quadriplegic if we would be okay with the other having sex with other people. She was adamant that she would want my dad to have other partners because she loved him so much and would want him to be happy. It was hilarious and awkward, that’s just how she was. She would also tell me to visualize my placenta moving away from my cervix, just like she told us to visualize being pregnant and having our baby while we were trying to get pregnant. She would also tell me to quit worrying, trying to control and plan things. to just enjoy the moment and deal with a c-section or finding a new midwife if we had to.
We have an appointment with the MFM OB a week from today. She’ll do an ultrasound then and I’m really hoping the previa will be resolved and we can have an honest convo with Activist Genius about homebirth plans and the reality of needing to find a new midwife.
I am beyond grateful that we got pregnant so quickly and cannot wait to meet our 100% healthy baby. I don’t want to minimize how difficult it is to even get here for some people, but I really just want a normal healthy pregnancy and a normal healthy birth with a midwife who I trust, at my house. This entire pregnancy has been filled with grief and worry and way too many unknowns. I just want to know.