Monthly Archives: March 2014

That Pregnant Woman

Well, I had my first pregnancy emotional breakdown today. I should preface that by explaining that a breakdown for me means a few minutes of uncontrollable tears on one or more occasions. Ever since Tough Cookie really started to get sick, and the prognosis became more bleak, the car has been the place I cry  the most. I have no idea why, it’s kind of dangerous if you think about it. Not as dangerous and sneezing while driving but dangerous nonetheless.

My dad starting “dating” someone. I feel so many things about this, none of which matter as much as how he feels about it. I have never lost my love and he is his own person, so I am just trying to be supportive and understanding. It might be because of this, or just because, but I have been thinking about Tough Cookie a lot this week. We take the dogs for a walk almost every night after work and there is a house that often has a walker outside. It’s just like one she used for the majority of last year. Last night and the night before I had dreams over and over again of helping her into the walker, out of it, taking her to the bathroom, the time I accidentally dropped her on the floor. Then, I started dreaming of when she could still walk and just used the walker to help staedy her after she had radiation on her hip and pelvis and was sore and weak. She was in her kitchen making jam from buckets of peaches from their yard. If it weren’t for her limp and the walker you might not even know she was sick. My brain just keep flashing between her when she was healthy and when she suddenly wasn’t. It’s emotionally exhausting. I worry that I am forgetting her. Her laugh, her voice, what she was like before she was sick.

Activist Genius called today. She told me that her husband got the job in Cali so they are heading there at some point in the near future. She said they don’t have a plan yet, but they are going out there next month to figure stuff out. She also suggested we see an OB in the Maternal Fetal Medicine department…just in case. I don’t like how this feels at all. We knew she was moving but it started out as her definitely staying to catch our baby… to maybe she wouldn’t be here… to now it’s not looking like she won’t be around and that maybe she is wanting to get us off her hands. I know, I’m probably just being an overly emotional pregnant lady

I went to get lunch and a coffee and just started crying in the car. I managed to pull myself together as I got my stuff at the store, but as soon as I got in the car I started crying again. I’ve been crying off and on in my office since I got back from lunch. My co-workers probably think  I’m losing it. I feel like I’m losing it. Tough Cookie was the person I would call in these situations before. She was only person who would just listen and be supportive. The only person who gave honest advice. I miss her. I try to imagine what she would say. She would say she would want my dad to be happy. Early on when we were dating Wifey and I were hanging out with my dad and Tough Cookie. Tough Cookie wanted to know if one of us was a quadriplegic if we would be okay with the other having sex with other people. She was adamant that she would want my dad to have other partners because she loved him so much and would want him to be happy. It was hilarious and awkward, that’s just how she was. She would also tell me to visualize my placenta moving away from my cervix, just like she told us to visualize being pregnant and having our baby while we were trying to get pregnant. She would also tell me to quit worrying, trying to control and plan things. to just enjoy the  moment and deal with a c-section or finding a new midwife if we had to.

We have an appointment with the MFM OB a week from today. She’ll do an ultrasound then and I’m really hoping the previa will be resolved and we can have an honest convo with Activist Genius about homebirth plans and the reality of needing to find a new midwife.

I am beyond grateful that we got pregnant so quickly and cannot wait to meet our 100%  healthy baby. I don’t want to minimize how difficult it is to even get here for some people, but I really just want a normal healthy pregnancy and a normal healthy birth with a midwife who I trust, at my house. This entire pregnancy has been filled with grief and worry and way too many unknowns. I just want to know.

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Randomness and Our Awesome Midwife

I haven’t felt like I’ve had much to write about lately, or maybe I just haven’t felt like writing anything. Probably a little of both. We might just be turning into older and more boring people than we already were.

A few posts back I finally gave our midwife a blog name “Activist Genius” with the disclaimer that I would come back and explain why. First, I just want to say that we couldn’t have found a better midwife to fit us and both of our personalities and needs. We lucked out.

Activist: As you know, wifey and I got legally married on Dec. 20th. We had an appointment with the midwife a couple of weeks later. She was sooooo excited about it. The ruling came down right before Christmas and she told us how she talked about the ruling it’s wonderfulness the whole week she spent with her inlaws (much to their dismay). When the governor then a few weeks later said that our marriages were essentially invalid, she asked if she could write a letter to him on our behalf explaining that his actions were causing me and our fetus harm, both physically and emotionally. Of course we said yes, I don’t know if she really ended up doing it or not but she was livid. There was a big protest at the capitol and the next day there was a picture of her in the news with a rainbow flag draped around her. She is not just an ally and support of LGBT rights, she also did a news story about the incredibly icky polluted air we experience in our city. Even though she and her partner make a good living and live in pretty much the nicest part of town, they drive the same 10 year old CNG car that we do (except they have two).Unfortunately, this issue is one that will likely take to her another state right after our Bubbles is born. I’m sure she is an activist in other ways too. It’s kind of funny that our little activist family picked an activist midwife without really knowing she was at the time.

Genius: She is seriously one of the smartest women I’ve met and I’ve met A TON of smart women (my incredible wife for one). She is maybe, slightly obsessed with research-which is totally like me. I research nearly everything and want to know all perspectives and the research supporting them. She stays up to date on all the pregnancy related current research. I’ve been surprised by some of it, and very glad that she knows her stuff. All of the other midwives we interviewed had  a more natural, laid back approach to pregnancy and birth. She also teaches in the midwifery PhD department. I am a huge academic nerd and plan on getting a PhD one of these days. She’s simply brilliant and I feel beyond very confident in her care.

Can I also say that she says that me gaining 18 pounds at 22 weeks is perfectly fine. I have read so many stories of women’s OB’s and midwives giving them lectures about gaining even less than that.  To be honest I don’t know where the 18 pounds is, but it’s somewhere. She just went on and on about how great and healthy I looked.

Other pretty boring news:

  • We finally found a dresser/changing table for Bubbles
  • We also bought ourselves a giant 12 drawer dresser
  • We are remodeling our closet this weekend
  • Soon all of our clothes will be in our room and not in Bubbles’ room
  • We bought a crib, we decided to side car instead of getting a co-sleeper (this one might need it’s own post)
  • I found out using acrylic and oil paints is perfectly fine, so the mural is moving slowly along (in my head)
  • I get to make brownies tonight (wifey told me to wait until tonight so her sister and boyfriend could eat them with us) I can already taste their deliciousness
  • Activist Genius suggested to go along as if we’ll have a homebirth, and if we find out at 30 weeks the placenta hasn’t moved we will discuss other options
  • So I ordered the Pink Kit and we are going to hire a doula
  • I wanted to add a pregnancy ticker countdown to the blog, but I don’t know how, sigh

I wrote on someone else’s blog that I would share our pregnancy announcement photo because I didn’t back when we did it so here it is:

babyannouncement

 

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