The Sperm of Many Hoops

We always wanted at least 2 kids. After Nature Boy* was born, J brought up having 4 kids. And yes I did have a minor freak out. She comes from a family of 4 kids and I come from a family of 3. Also losing my stepmom and having my mom diagnosed with cancer made us think that we wanted to give our kids a bigger support system for when we get old and are no longer around. So 4 is the current plan (only having 1 might make that seem more realistic, we’ll update after 2).

We also knew we wanted our kids between 2 and 3 years apart, but closer to 2. Which, for all you math whizzes out there, means it’s time to start trying to make a baby. Sometimes I feel totally ready and excited and other times I feel like we are barely surviving now, how will we survive 2 babies that don’t sleep through the night, and both go to work the next day? I also think about Nature Boy and how much I want him to have siblings to grow up and play with, basically to share his life with, and that outweighs all the fears and hesitations that I have.

So we are jumping back on the TTC train ready or not.

Or at least we were. We were going to try last month, but the bank told us we needed up update forms since it had been 2 years (barely) and one form was a medical certification form (also known as get permission from a dr. to get sperm sent to your house). Unfortunately, it was Labor Day weekend. J called her dr. office and found out her dr. was on maternity leave and no one else would sign it. Then she talked to someone else who said they would. I faxed her the form and then crickets. We left for our little Labor Day getaway and hoped it would all work out. Well it didn’t and one of the women at the bank was unnecessarily rude about it all. If we didn’t already have vials and didn’t care about our kids sharing genetics, we’d be seriously considered using another bank. So last month didn’t work out and it’s probably for the best. We had a super busy weekend on the possible insemination days and we all caught an awful tummy bug on our Labor Day vacay, so it wasn’t even close to ideal.

Here we are now approaching attempt #2 of TTC #2. J talked to the bank yesterday to make sure they got her medical form. They did, but said they didn’t have all the other forms we sent. So, after talking for a while, we realized they put them in my file and were her making J register as a client with them. Which is not just checking a box.  It includes a $75 fee and an hour long consult with their nurse practitioner and me authorizing the vials we already purchased to be released to J. Seriously folks. This is ridiculous. We thought we were finally done jumping through hoops and being nickled and dimed.

Then today, J called me to let me know the consult was done, they have all the forms, but now she has to have some sort of psych eval done because she, like 22% of Utahns*, suffers from depression and anxiety. There is a call in to her therapist, who she has already discussed pregnancy and postpartum with before we decided to go forward with her carrying #2.

I could write a novel about how discriminatory this is. I could list all the medical conditions that don’t require approval in order to buy sperm. Ones that are just as serious, ones that are just as deadly, ones that impact your ability to parent. Example: I suffer from migraines. They are awful. I’ve had one for 3 days now. I can barely take care of myself let alone a child when I have a migraine. They didn’t make me get a dr. note, essentially giving me permission to get pregnant, in order to get the sperm I purchased sent to me. I am beyond angry.

I am angry because suffering from depression should not be treated any different than suffering from migraines. I don’t suffer from depression, but I can imagine that the assumption that you cannot or should not be pregnant and/or have children (or need someone else’s permission to do so) could be quite triggering for someone who does. It makes me want to lie in order to not have my wife treated differently. It also makes me want to call them up and demand they treat all illnesses the same.

For now I will focus on the positive and what a great big brother Nature Boy is going to be. He loves taking care of his babies and even the little neighbor he has been sharing his nanny with.

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It’s hilarious when baby drinks water

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Getting baby ready for a ride in the stroller

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Showing lamb how to play with the bouncey chair

* Nature Boy shall be M’s new blog name

* Utah is home to the highest rate of depression in the U.S.

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8 thoughts on “The Sperm of Many Hoops

  1. UGH. I’m so sorry you have had to deal with so much rediculousness. It infuriates me that the clinic believes they have the right to gatekeep for depression and anxiety. Seriously. I wonder if they require that all their clients also get screened for Huntington’s, or any number of other diseases that can cause difficulties for parents. I actually feel enraged on your behalf.

  2. That is so angering. I was annoyed enough by having to go through another referral (because its been 2 years) and by having to make a doctor’s appointment just to explain that I’m still gay. And nobody has hemmed or hawed about whether I’m fit to carry some sperm.

    I hate that there are so many strangers who get to act as gatekeepers to our families. That we’re not trusted to make decisions about our own bodies or families.

    I hope that this is all a distant memory soon, replaced by adorable baby 2of4.

  3. Becca says:

    That is ridiculous and so discriminatory. Depression and anxiety are the two most common mental health diagnoses, and most people don’t have one long depressive episode that lasts their whole life- it hits, they weather the storm, do what works for them, and then go back to baseline. It’s like basically saying if you are human and have lived life and are honest about that then you have to get mental health treatment before you can pay us a boatload of money to buy sperm.

  4. Caitlin says:

    I’m really annoyed for you, but also relieved that we’re not the only ones feeling like we are jumping through endless, pointless, expensive hoops. I hope that trying for #2 goes smoothly and you have a new sibling next year!

  5. Kate says:

    That’s some ridiculous nonsense! I hope you don’t have to deal with that for very long. Also, all the best on baby #2 🙂

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