Category Archives: trimester 1

Heartbeats and Halloween

I’ve had this post sitting as a draft since before the election. Then the election happened and I couldn’t post it. I need to compile my post election thoughts and add them, but in the meantime, a happier post.

I need to do an update post on how Nature Boy is doing with preschool. A short update, is it’s going amazingly well. Hurrah!

Nature Boy has been pretty excited about Halloween, as much as he could be without really having any idea what it was. We talked about costumes, trick or treating, and candy (of course). Halloween is one of my favorite holidays so I like to make a big deal about it. I started seriously asking him what he might like to dress up as a few months ago. The answer I got the most and with the most enthusiasm was “lawnmower” hmmm. I’m creative, but even I wasn’t sure how to pull that one off. I had seen people transform wagons into things as Halloween costume accessories though, and thought that looked like fun. At first, he was all about my firetruck idea. He’d be a fireman, I’d be a dog, and J would be a hydrant, or something along those lines. Then he wanted it to be a train and he’d be a “trainman” as he calls them. Then he got stuck on the idea of a tractor. We decided he should be his favorite character Blippi. He loves Blippi and thinks he’s the most amazing thing in the world. Even last night as he was sick and lying in bed watching Blippi, I said to J, “sometimes I wish he’d look at me the way he looks at Blippi” haha. If you don’t know who Blippi is and have a toddler/little kid, check it out. He’s goofy, but not nearly as annoying as half of the children’s media out there. So we got a “blippi outfit” and started turning his wagon into a tractor. Then we decided to buy a house and sell our house and life was nuts for a few weeks, but we managed to pull it all off somehow. We neglected to spend much time figuring out our costumes, so we stopped at a Halloween store while Nature Boy napped in the car. I ran in and tried to find anything semi-related to Blippi, tractors, and/or farms. I came out with a scarecrow and a bull-rider. We looked pretty ridiculous, but all of our neighbors thought we were amazing.



And we heard the little nugget’s heartbeat. The first ultrasound is so nerve wracking. But there it was, one little soon to be human with a flickering heartbeat. Such a relief!

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Beta Results

are in…. and it’s 518! That’s for 12dp5dpt, or 17 dpo, so fairly normal and average according to google. So we’re still pregnant, woo hoo! J goes back tomorrow morning for draw #2 and then if all is good we are to schedule an ultrasound. We aren’t sure if we are supposed to do this with the RE clinic or the midwives…but I guess we’ll find out.

The progesterone injections are terrible. At least for me, the person that has to inject a long and fat needle into my wife every night. Last night I asked if she wishes she would have done the suppositories and she said no. I think I do though, it’s the worst. And we (I) have to do it for 6 more weeks! Nature Boy is super helpful though and gives Momma her medicine multiple times (after I take the needle off of course). We told him Momma has a baby in her tummy. He asked to see it and then said I had one in my tummy. I guess we have a while for him to understand what it all means eh?

J thinks it’s a girl. I said she’s probably right. I always thought Nature Boy was a boy. It’s becoming more real now, and more fun as I realize that I’m going to get a baby and don’t have to be pregnant. I’ll report back on what’s worse overall, being pregnant or having a pregnant wife. So far J wants to sleep all the time, but is a real trooper in trying to fight the fatigue. She hates food and can’t look at it, but has to eat it. She only wants to eat meat, gross. Everything is growing and expanding. That little poppyseed is doing quite a number on her.

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The black sheep of the rainbow sheep

When I started this blog I thought I would write a lot about being gay in Utah and raising kids here and I haven’t really done that. There’s been a lot of other stuff going on and taking up my thoughts.

Many people are surprised to find out that this ultra red conservative state, known as the home of the Mormons/LDS also has the highest percentage of same sex couples raising kids.  Okay well Salt Lake City does…not Utah, but still. This really should not be that surprising though. For many Mormons, family is the most important thing. They may have a strange way of showing it, especially when their family members come out as LGBTQ, but it’s true. It is my opinion (I haven’t done any real research here, just anecdotal evidence) that all these former Mormon LGBTQ folk, stick around this crazy conservative state because family is so important. It’s why were decided to move back here.

I’m not Mormon, I never was. Sure I went to the LDS church here and there and wanted to get baptized like many of my friends when I was 8, but I’m not a former Mormon. A wise man I call my father told me I wasn’t old enough or mature enough at 8 years old to make that decision, but that when I was 18 if I still wanted to, I could. I didn’t want to by the time I was 8 1/2. My parents were LDS, they got married in the temple and all that jazz. To make a long story short one day my dad basically left the church and I’m so glad he did.

Now I say all this to follow it with my coming out as the black sheep of the rainbow sheep. Every single one of my and Jamie’s lesbian friends and acquaintances, including Jamie, used to be Mormon. Some of them are still struggling with what it means to be gay and Mormon, many of them served LDS missions.  Every woman I’ve ever dated was raised Mormon. Every single time we socialize with other gay people I feel like the kid in school who was treated and looked at differently because I wasn’t Mormon. These people are all great and I like and even love some of them. I just have to wonder, am I really the only one?

We, they rather, converse about telling their church leaders about being gay, their missions, how their LDS families have reacted to their coming out, recent developments in the LDS church, their anger at the LDS church, etc. etc. etc. There is nothing wrong with this of course and I’m so so so glad that all of these people have each other to support and understand them. But sometimes, I feel like that new kid at school all over again who has to explain to everyone over and over again that I don’t belong to any ward, any stake, or any religion, and that doesn’t make me a bad and scary person as I watch them back away as if I just said that I have a contagious disease or steal from the elderly. Our friends don’t treat me this way it’s just an association, as my therapist wife would say. It’s surprising to me that after all these years those feelings of being judged,mistreated, and discriminated against are still there. I have very negative feelings about the LDS church too, but mine are for very different reasons than theirs.

For brief moments I wonder if we made the wrong choice, if we should have moved somewhere else. Somewhere more love and accepting and less judgmental and discriminatory. But then I remember how much I love my family and how much my wife loves hers and it makes all the awkward lesbian gatherings worth it. It might be time to try to break down some associations and it wouldn’t hurt to find some not former LDS lesbian friends.

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A glorious sight

A few days late, but as promised here are the first photos of our precious Bubbles






Bubbles was measuring right on track at 9 weeks and 2 days with a heart rate of 173 beat per minute. I could have done with a more friendly ultrasound tech, but it was a great experience. I had definitely prepared myself for the worst and was so glad and surprised to see a beating little heart and embryo in there (we upgrade to a fetus this week). Bubbles was pretty still, but was kicking its legs around and even waved once.

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Painting, painting, and snow

Not much is happening in pregnant life these days. We picked a midwife. I need to come up with a blog name for her. We weren’t sure it would work out because some department chair was threatening to take away her hospital admitting privileges if she didn’t shut down her homebirth business, but it did work out. Our first appointment with her is tomorrow, and our first ultrasound. I am beyond excited to see Bubbles.

Everything is just trucking along. I still feel nauseous most of the time. Food isn’t super appealing at all. When I am hungry there is one and only one thing that ever sounds even slightly edible and of course it’s not what I brought for lunch. If someone else makes food, it is much more appetizing. Isn’t that so weird? I don’t really get it.

I did manage to eat Thanksgiving dinner. I was worried we’d cook all day and then Bubbles would protest, but I stuffed my thankful little face. Thanksgiving was different. That’s the only word I can think to describe it. We had hoped Tough Cookie would be strong enough to go home by then, but she wasn’t. Jamie and I cooked up a delicious feast and brought it to my dad at the nursing home. We ate and chatted together. Tough Cookie wasn’t really there. She slept a lot. She’s spent most of the last few weeks sleeping and being extremely confused and confusing. She was better when I saw her two days ago, but sometimes she just says things that make no sense, to anyone. She was more herself though, so maybe it was just the drugs and brain swelling and we’ll have her back soon, at least for a while.

You know it’s winter when you get excited to see 35° int he forecast. It turned into winter here this week. It snowed ALL day on Tuesday. Like ALLLL day. It is about 5° outside. I hate winter and it’s even worse because I can’t snowboard this year. I need to get into an exercise routine, but it’s already dark and I’m still at work and did I mention it’s way below freezing outside. I just want summer back. Bubbles is going to be so glad we chose a summer birthday for him/her, best parenting decision ever!

In happy news, Jamie has been painting our dining room. We are putting up molding and wainscoting and it’s going to be stunning. It is kumquat orange on the top half of the wall and will be, I think, ultra pure white on the bottom. I almost went with polar bear just for the name, but Jamie said she wanted super white so I decided to be practical. Hopefully we’ll finish it up this weekend and I’ll come back with an after picture to show it off. We also bought some super awesome curtains on cyber monday which just arrived yesterday. We bought the house and moved in 7 months ago and it’s finally starting to look and feel like home. Next we’ll paint the kitchen and start working on the mural for Bubbles’ room.

Here’s a before and in progress of the dining room. Nevermind you only get an in progress, Jamie must have deleted the before pics off the camera.










Don’t worry folks, the retro green and yellow table won’t be staying in the orange room. We aren’t that colorful. I’ll be back tomorrow with a the first photo of Bubbles (fingers crossed, and keep them crossed that their is just one Bubbles and not two Bubbleses)

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The ever shrinking stomach

It doesn’t appear how it sounds. Externally my stomach does not appear to be shrinking. I actually look quite bloated most of the time. Some might even use the term plump. Internally is a different story however. I cannot seem to eat very much at all. I’m a fairly small person, but I can eat quite a bit when I’m hungry. Or I guess my former self could.  I also LOVE food, like a lot, almost as much as I love beer. This new pregnant self and I are still getting acquainted and we very much disagree on eating habits. For the past three weeks I have barely had an appetite at all. It’s really very sad because my love of food is getting severely neglected, with no resolution in sight.

In addition to myself transforming into a food hater, Jamie is quite concerned with my lack of caloric intake. She often quizzes me about what I’ve eaten during the day and it often ends like this 😦  I try to explain that I just can’t eat that much, but it’s hard to understand when you aren’t dealing with a shrunken stomach yourself. We just have pouty face wars and see who wins. If she does, I try to eat more and if I do, I don’t have to eat more.

I actually felt really hungry at lunch today, and while out running an errand for work, picked up some tacos. I ate one taco and 3 chips before I felt like I might puke if I ate or smelled another bite. Sigh. I just keep imagining our little walrus (doesn’t it look like a walrus?) down there saying things like “Whoa fatty, slow down on the food, you don’t need to each that much” and “You aren’t feeding an army, just a pea sized walrus” or “I’ll make you throw up if you keep stuffing your face”








I know it sounds like I’m making our embryo into a heartless joker, but if it takes after me at all, it will be. I’m also sure that after it’s had 8 1/2 more months to grow, or however long it takes, our baby will have developed a well rounded personality that is sweet and loveable as well as sarcastic and witty.

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I can’t lie

I am a bad liar, like really bad. Which makes it hard not to tell the entire world that I’m pregnant. Quite a few people knew that we were trying, and we told them pretty quickly, before they could ask. Then there is  Anxious Yogi, my boss.

There have been a number of conversations that have taken place that have made me extremely worried about how she would react to me being pregnant.

1. I had only been working at the organization for a few months and was really sick. We had a huge report and application due so I stuck it out. We were both in my office and I ran to the bathroom a few times to vomit, then we’d resume work when I got back. After we submitted everything I laid down in our massage room while I waited for Jamie to come get me. It was a rough day. After one of my sprints to the bathroom I told her not to worry, that I wasn’t pregnant. She laughed and said “Good, because if you were I’d fire you…just kidding, but I better be the first one to know” I said Jamie would be first of course, but she’d be high on the list, #4 or 5.

2. This previously mentioned conversation

3. A couple months ago we hired a new employee. I knew the day she started she was pregnant. Okay well I assumed. I came home and told Jamie either she had an extremely strange body type or she was pregnant. Her gay male supervisor and co-worked had no idea, which I find pretty amusing. A few weeks later she told her supervisor and then he told our leadership team. Anxious Yogi had no idea what our maternity policy was so I reluctantly informed everyone, worried that they would ask why I had every detail memorized. I also informed everyone that pregnancy is included in our nondiscrimination policy, in case that was an issue. The conversation continued for a quite a while speculating about whether or not she’d really come back after the baby was born. At some point I said “Well don’t worry about me, I really need this job so when I get pregnant I will definitely come back”. Our Medical Director said, “Oh don’t worry, you can take 6 months off if you want, you’ve proved how valuable you are and we need you.” Phew. Still nervous though.

Last week as we were waiting for a meeting to start, Anxious Yogi asked how my stepmom was doing. (I’ve decided I should give her a blog name, we’ll call her Tough Cookie). She then asked if Tough Cookie had anything coming up to look forward to, like a “try to make it to” date, like a wedding or a birth. Because I’m a terrible liar, I just laughed a little. Anxious Yogi thought I was off my rocker.

So I blurted out: Well we’re pregnant

Anxious Yogi: Who’s pregnant?

Me: I am

Anxious Yogi: Oh my gosh, congrats, I’m so excited. (big big hug)

Me: (Trying to stop my heart from beating out of my chest) So yeah we’re due in about 9 months and we really hope Tough Cookie will make it to meet the baby.

Anxious Yogi: Starts asking a million questions about the donor, sperm banks, ob’s etc. 

I feel relieved that she knows, although I had planned it so much differently. I’d casually walk into her office and ask if she had a minute to chat. Then I’d say, Well I have some really good news, I’m pregnant, but don’t worry we timed it so that I won’t be gone during the busiest times of the year. She’d be disappointed, but understanding and glad that I told her early on and we’d carry on with our day. I’m glad it didn’t work out that way. I continue to be surprised with how excited she is. Other than telling me what a bad feminist I am for wanting a med free home birth, she’s been really cute actually. She gets giddy when she asks me about midwife interviews and asks how I’m feeling everyday. We haven’t talked about leave or working from home after the baby is here, but I am one lucky woman.



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Then we all fell down

I started this blog to document our journey of growing our little family and becoming parents for us, for our kids, and for anyone else that found it meaningful, funny, relatable, etc. As time has progressed however, it seems that this blog is becoming one about creating a life while another is lost.

We found out I was pregnant at about 7:00 am on Sunday the 28th. On Monday the 29th at 5:30 we found out that my stepmom was being admitted to the hospital to undergo spine surgery. They found a tumor on her spine, the front of her neck, and needed to operate as soon as possible to stabilize her spine so that should would not become paralyzed and to remove the tumor. I got the text from my dad right before I called my sister to tell her the good news. I also knew she didn’t get group texts, which meant I had to also share the bad news.

Jamie and I talked to her son, and our good friend, and asked whether he thought we should tell my dad and his mom about the pregnancy. They have both been really excited about us trying to get knocked up and they ask for updates whenever we see or talk to them. He said “good news is always good news”. We decided to feel it out at the hospital. She didn’t look good. Everyone was much more worried about this surgery than any of the others she’s had. When people were leaving they gave hugs and kisses instead of just saying “I love you” as they walked out of the room. I was scared too and wanted to tell her before surgery, just in case she didn’t make it I guess. I wanted her to know and wanted her to have some good news and something to look forward to. She was in a lot of pain so we decided to wait until her next round of pain medication. They were both really excited and happy.

She had surgery on Wednesday, they were supposed to do both the front and the back, but got behind schedule and only did the back the first day. Then, on Halloween (my birthday and favorite holiday) they did the second surgery. Anxious Yogi sent me home from work early and I straight to the hospital. We waited and waited and waited and finally she got out of surgery at 6:30 that night. Jamie and I waited with my dad and while we sat there watching the patient tracking chart, found out that they also found more tumors in her lower spine, brain, lung, liver, other kidney, and on and on and on. It’s every where. We also found out that back when they found the first brain tumors they gave her 4-6 months to live. That was almost 5 months ago.

Right now she’s still in the neuro critical care unit. She’s not getting enough oxygen. She also got ARDS about 15 years ago, so that certainly isn’t helping with the oxygen problem. To sum it up, it’s been a week of celebration and excited and also a week of coming to terms with reality. I knew when they found out the cancer had metastasized she had less than a 5% chance to live for five years. She’s one of the toughest people I know and I really hoped that if anyone could beat it, she could.  Part of me feels like I should accept that she isn’t going to make it. The other part of me wants to hold onto that sliver of hope, the next drug trial, the miracle. I want her to meet our baby and I want our baby to know its grandma.

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