Category Archives: waiting and waiting and waiting

So we tested yesterday morning

And it there was definitely a second line. Not even a squinter like the first BFP I got with Nature Boy, but a for sure line in all the different lighting we tried.

Sunday was 5 days past a 5 day transfer, so pretty good odds of getting a positive if J was in fact pregnant. She also took a test on Friday morning, which was negative, to make sure the trigger was out of her system. I was surprised she wanted to test. I had asked her to do it for me because the beta isn’t scheduled until next Sunday, the 16th. Sooooo much waiting! But I thought she’d want to wait until at least today, or even tomorrow to take a home test. Even after 8 years I still get surprised by her from time to time.

Almost exactly a year after we started trying for #2, we finally get a positive test. I don’t quite believe it and am feeling even more nervous about a miscarriage or “chemical pregnancy” than I ever did when I was pregnant. I wish the beta wasn’t so far away. Is it normal for it to be that far out? The 16th will be 12 days past a 5 day transfer. Seems like a long wait. Oh well I guess…right? J has told her family, but I haven’t told mine yet. I think I’d like to wait until we get beta results to tell my family and friends, or to call the midwives at the birthing center we plan on using. There is also an early ultrasound with the RE office, not sure when that will be yet (if the beta results are good that is).

The good news is that J is eating like a horse, feeling really nauseous, and needs about 5 naps a day. I’ll update after our beta results confirm things, but promising stuff over here.

In Nature Boy news, he started Montessori preschool full time last week. This morning he cried and says he hates school and wanted Mommy to stay home, he also said he wanted to go to the grocery store with Momma. It’s normal for them to prefer to be with their parents right? It will pass and one day he’ll be excited that Monday, and another school day is here? Okay, not so hopeful about that second part ever happening. The relieving news is that he only cries for 30 seconds after J drops him off, he seems happy as can be when I pick him up at the end of the day (sometimes he even has a spring in his step and is more boisterous than I’ve ever seen him be) and his teachers say he is talking more and more to them and telling them what he wants and needs. They are very impressed with his vocabulary and ability to express his emotions. Last week one of them even said he was “too advanced”. I’ll take it!

Yes, I admit I’m happy to brag about my kid. It feels awesome to know we are doing something right after worrying so much about his development in other areas (especially gross motor, he still can’t jump). It’s weird not to get text and photo updates during the day. I feel bad calling to check on him though. Sleep has been a roller coaster since the change. He hasn’t talked or asked about his nanny as much as I thought he would. He still doesn’t seem to really care for other kids at all, but is getting more assertive. This weekend he told other gets to leave when they were on something he wanted to play on. He has always been the one to run away, get toys taken away from, get pushed aside, so I was kind of surprised/happy when my mom told me he did it. Things are looking up a bit and we’re hopeful it’s all going to work out and be really beneficial eventually.

 

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Once upon a time there was a positive pregnancy test

The first week of the two week wait went by surprisingly fast. After our BFF left I really only had to wait for about a week to test. I talked to Jamie too see where she was at with testing early. After our first try, I started testing really early and then caught the testing bug and couldn’t stop. It was really devastating for Jamie to see the negative tests everyday so I stopped telling her when I tested. But she knew I was taking them and that they were all negative. She said she didn’t care this time, which as the amazing wife that I am, knew was a lie.

I broke down and tested on Friday, which was 9 days past ovulation (DPO) with a cheapie internet test and it was negative. That night Jamie asked if I tested, I said yes,  then she asked if it was negative. I said that it was positive I definitely would have told her as soon as I took it. That would be so rude if I didn’t tell her about a positive right way. I didn’t test on Saturday, that night we went to a Thriller dance performance with Jamie’s little sis which was really fun, creepy but fun. Little sis and her boyfriend ended up staying the night so they didn’t have to drive 3 hours back home late at night.  They are cute little Mormon’s. We let them sleep in the same room, which was a big deal apparently. We put two beds in there and let them decide how snugly they wanted to be. One of the fun things about living in “Zion” is lots of young kids with raging hormones, trying to remain temple worthy and not have sex or snuggle too much, which leads to soaking and lots of 18 and 19 years old kids getting married, which is a post for another day).

Sunday would be 11 DPO and I knew I wanted to test, but we have a cozy little bungalow. I had already hidden all signs of baby making, fertility monitor, pregnancy tests, books. We weren’t sure how her family would respond to our adventures in gayby making and I didn’t want to wake them up with my testing shenanigans.

Sunday I woke up really early, thanks to tracking my temperature like a champ. I tried to go back to sleep but my bladder told me it was going to explode so I complied. Who wants to clean up after an exploded bladder? Not me. I sneakily, and as quietly as the second most clumsiest person in the world can, found a couple of tests a (store brand early test and another internet cheapie) . I did the potty dance for waaay too long while I was looking for and trying to open them in my half slumbered state, hoping not to wake the sleeping little Mormons in the next room. I didn’t stare at the test for 2 minutes this time like usual. I set a timer on my phone and started at the Indian Ocean off the coast of South Africa

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Isn’t it beautiful?

The timer went off and I tried to quickly turn it off, it was an awful sound and I was sure that it woke up everyone up. I looked at the early test and said holy shit is that a line? No way I thought. I picked up it and sure enough I could see the faintest of faint lines. I ran/walked quietly back to our bedroom and turned on the light, but of course at that moment the bulb died, seriously. I hopped into bed.  Jamie is not a morning person. Okay, that’s a lie. Jamie has the least amount of morning person in her of anyone I have ever met. She was out like a rock.

Me: I want to show you something ( as I fumble around with my phone trying to find the flashlight)

Jamie: Okay show me (groggily with her eyes still closed)

Me: You have to wake up for me to show you silly

Jamie: What is it? (finally opens her eyes)

Me: I think there is a line, do you see a line?

Jamie: No…maybe a little. I need to see a darker line to believe it

So I got out the computer and searched for “faint positive pregnancy tests” I showed her and then she believed it. We hugged and cried and kissed. Jamie did silent dancing and fist pumping in the air, declaring herself the best inseminator in the world (it’s true).

Then I remembered that I left the other test in the bathroom and hurried and got it before the kids woke up. There aren’t really kids at 19, but they seem so young. It had a faint line as well. We continued our celebration in near silence and even though we didn’t get to sleep until about 2am we couldn’t go back to sleep.

We told my mom later that day and she was thrilled. I expected her to get all teary, she’s a big crier, but she didn’t. She said she knew that’s why we were coming over and cried about it earlier.  It felt weird rushing to tell people, but so many people knew that we were trying. I knew they would ask the next time they called and I can’t lie. I wanted to make sure we told people in person instead of over the phone so we told a couple friends and my mom and then called my sisters that night to tell them. I’ve taken a few more tests including this morning to make sure they are still positive and so far so positive.

Test 1 & 2, Sunday

Test 1 & 2, Sunday

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Test 3, Monday

Test 3, Monday

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Test 4, Tuesday

Test 4, Tuesday

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Test 5, Thursday after I felt period like cramps I tested after work

Test 5, Thursday after I felt period like cramps I tested after work

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Test 6, Friday

Test 6, Friday

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can probably stop testing I guess. Now my period is officially late and I’ve called a few midwives to schedule consultations so it’s all starting to feel kind of real. We also found out that our due date is really close to our anniversary, which is July 8th. So we inseminated on Jamie’s birthday, found out right before mine, and the little one might come on our anniversary. How cool is that?

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I saw the signs (and felt them too)

So….I’m pregnant. We got a positive on Sunday morning (well two) and another yesterday. I’m nauseous, my boobs feel like they were run over by a truck and my brain seems to be on vacation.

I’ll come back with more later after I finish this beastly report for work,  but I couldn’t wait to share.

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Our baby is going to be a fiddler

A good friend came to visit last week and wanted to go to a concert on Wednesday night. I have a pretty intense love for music, many many kinds of music, but I’ve never been much of a folk/bluegrass/gospel fan. Guess what kind of concert it was? Crazy folk/bluegrass/gospel did I mention crazy?  We sucked it up and had a pretty good time and after the most intense fiddling  I have ever seen I am sure that our baby is going to be a fiddler. I’m not sure if fiddling is a thing, but since playing the drums is called drumming I figured it was fairly possible.

Fertility Friends says I am 6 DPO, but I’m going with 5 DPO. It was a whirlwind of a cycle, because why have a  nice normal cycle like everyone else? That’d be boring. We decided to have the bank overnight the swim team and then didn’t end up using inseminating until their originally scheduled date of arrival. Silly kids. Jamie described $50 as pennies in this process (we’re big ballers now) so we figured we could pay pennies to have peace of mind.

Then, she left half of our future baby at work and had to drive through horrendous traffic to go back and get the swim team. It’s a good thing we’ll have a while to get used to caring for someone else. We don’t want to be leaving our baby at work. yikes!

Then I ran out of OPK’s. Those fancy little pee sticks are a lot cheaper on the interweb, but I snuck away from work and paid lots of pennies for those too. I got a positive at about 1pm on Wednesday. Our friend arrived at about 3pm. He met me at my office and ate gingersnaps and pistachios with us to celebrate bosses day. Yes Anxious Yogi picked gingersnaps and pistachios for her favorite treat. I left work with him at about 4 and we headed to our place. Jamie and I had decided we should just tell our friend that we were going to be inseminating, but hadn’t really talked about what we’d say or how much detail to go into. Well, as soon as we sat down (Jamie was still at work) he asked me how getting pregnant was going. So I said “Well we aren’t pregnant yet, but we are going to try tonight” To which he replied “So how does that work?” So then of course I went to get the tank out of our bedroom and we had a nice little frozen sperm, cryobank lesson. Jamie got home during the lesson and was quite relieved that I had the pleasure of explaining our midnight shenanigans.

He was a great sport, not awkward at all. He decided that we have to get pregnant this cycle so that he can tell people “I’m not saying I’m the father, I’m just saying I was the only man in the house when the baby was conceived”.

So now we wait. I haven’t decided if I will test early or not. I have a bunch of cheap tests so I think I might as well…but I don’t want a negative so there is that too.

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I hate coffee

Okay that’s a lie I am trying to tell myself. I love coffee and I miss coffee, so very much.

A couple of months ago my boss, Anxious Yogi, brought in a keurig for us to use upstairs (yes even though we only have 8 staff members we have two floors…it’s complicated). See, Anxious Yogi is kind of a coffee snob and her GF had an extra one so she gave it to us…hurray! The problem is that it is right outside my office, and it smells delicious.

I bought some decaf cups when she first brought it in, but they are gone. All I have is my lukewarm cup of chai tea and a cup of water. Sad face. Everyday at around 10:30 Anxious Yogi makes coffee and I cry inside. I really couldn’t ask for a better boss though. When I first came out as a non-coffee drinker she teased me relentlessly, tried to make me sniff coffee grounds, and attempted to convince me that just one cup wouldn’t hurt. The next day she told me she felt bad for teasing me and making me cry (this would never happen) and that she was going to quit coffee with me for two weeks. She even let a latte her GF brought her sit on her desk all day…not even a sip. Such a champ. So far my excuse of “coffee gives me  migraines” has worked. She even brought me a decaf coffee when she brought doughnuts for the crew last week, isn’t that tender?

Bosses day is tomorrow I had a great idea for her a while ago, but didn’t know when bosses day was. I can’t remember what it was now. I hope it comes back to me before tomorrow is over.

I know that I can drink coffee while trying to get knocked up, but I decided it wasn’t worth it. At $800 a pop, I want my body to be as ready to make and catch a zygote as possible. I fully plan on drinking coffee once our little fetus is implanted and growing. There is no way I could make it that long. All I want for Christmas is a latte, and a baby too.

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When Smiley Faces Turn Bad

The strangest thing happened, the malicious fertility monitor starting giving me high readings last Wednesday on cycle day 10. The earliest I had ever gotten a high before was cycle day 15. Yes I did go back through all my charts to check. Que panic. Since the earliest I have ever ovulated is day 17, and the cryobank charges an arm and a leg to keep the tank longer than 6 days, the tank wasn’t scheduled to be delivered until day 16, this coming Wednesday.

As with previous cycles, as soon as the monitor said high I started using OPK’s in the afternoon. It was negative. I called Jamie and expressed my freaking outness to her. We agreed we would check my cervix later and then call the bank and schedule the shipment earlier if we needed to. My cervix didn’t seem ready to ovulate so we waited, tested some more and waited. We knew we had to change the shipping by Friday if we were going to, but I didn’t get a positive OPK by then so we decided to stick with the original date.

All weekend I told my body to hold on and to not ovulate until at least Wednesday. Every time I did an OPK I hoped and hoped it would be negative, I just wanted to see the sad little circle face with no facial features, and every time that’s what I got. I never thought I’d be so happy to see a negative test. It was such a different experience from last month where I was peeing on sticks constantly and hoping one would be positive before Jamie left for her business trip. Such a rollercoaster of thoughts, emotions and desires this trying to make a gayby is.

I had lots (lots for me is a little for most people) of egg-white cervical fluid yesterday, my cervix seems about ready to ovulate, but the OPK I just did was still negative. Jamie called the bank this morning and we paid the $50 to have the swim team shipped overnight so it’ll be here tomorrow. Hopefully my body isn’t playing tricks on me again and I’ll get that happy little smiley face soon.

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Bee Sting or Rogue Dog Dentist?

I came home from work yesterday and Xena the warrior puppy was not acting like her normal self. Instead of greeting me with some sweet Xena flying jump flip moves, she ran into the backyard. She ran back in a minute later and I noticed that she looked like she had her wisdom teeth removed and she seemed like she was in a lot of pain, all she wanted was to be snuggled. While I wouldn’t put it past our neighbors to perform oral surgery on our dog, I immediately knew she had been stung by a bee or wasp. Xena is smart, but not street smart. She eats bugs…all kinds (except cockroaches). Flies, beetles, snails, slugs, mosquitoes, spiders, and yes bees. It was only a matter of time before she got stung. I’m quite surprised she made it this long.

Look at those poor cheeks

Look at those poor cheeks

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She looked like she was about to burst into tears all night

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Just needed some snuggles

Score: Xena-137 Bees-1

Not much has happened in gayby making world. It’s cycle day thirtyfreakingfour. I feel like a 6 year old waiting anxiously for my birthday party and the newest my little pony. I have never wanted my period to start this much, in fact I’ve never wished for it…ever. I was one of those girls who hated getting boobs. It didn’t help that my mom came to my best friends house (where I was playing) and said she needed to measure me because she’d noticed it was time for a training bra. What is a training bra anyways? What are you training for? A lifetime of underwire scars and bad posture? I cried the first day I got my period and didn’t tell anyone. I would only wear sports bras until I was 16. Becoming a woman was dreadful and mortifying for me. Now, here I am wishing and hoping for lovely aunt flo to get here so that we can get on with our baby making. My younger self would never believe it. Cycle day 1 should be Sunday, I hope this next cycle my egg decides to ovulate on time, these long cycles are patience trying.

We still may or may not end up using a known donor if this next try doesn’t work. If it doesn’t work this go round, we’ll continue the conversation and see how it goes.

We’ve been pretty busy doing non-baby related things. Hiking, house projects, canning, trampoline parks. So I guess I’ll just write about all the fun happenings as we continue to wait and wait and wait.

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F#*k Cancer

I decided it would be a good idea/challenge to only post about all things not related to making a gayby during the two week wait, or not two week wait (my body is uncooperative).

I think I wrote about it before a little bit, but my step-mom, K, has renal cell carcinoma, stage IV with all of the other markers. Two years ago, Jamie and I were on our way to my sisters wedding dinner rehearsal, when my dad called to tell us what was going on.  Jamie and I are, and were, very close to my dad and K. We left to go meet them at a coffee shop and talked before we all went back to the dinner together. My sister got married, we left to head back to Arkansas for school 2 days later,  and a few days later she had surgery to remove the tumor. It was beyond hard to leave her and them and our family.

The tumor was big, the size of a deflated football, but they thought they removed it all and it hadn’t spread anywhere outside the kidney. The plan was for her to go back for repeat scans every 6 months and we were all hopeful that after a few clean scans she’d be “cured”

Well, that didn’t happen. At her 12 month scan they found another tumor, on her adrenal gland. We had just graduated and moved back to Utah and were living in a trailer in their backyard (to save money for the awesome house we now own, that’s a post or 5). It was a hard 6 months. Looking back, I wish I had realized that something else was going on.

Then, this past spring they found and removed a tumor from her lung. My other sister came to visit from Seattle and we all went camping. K was sick the whole time with excruciating migraines. A few weeks later we found out she had not just one, but 12 brain tumors- 4 big ones and a bunch of smaller ones and  one on her ribs. Her insurance (yay U.S. healthcare) wouldn’t pay for the treatment that had the best outcomes so she started whole brain radiation. Then they found a tumor on her hip and radiated that as well.

We get sugarcoated and vague reports and updates, but I’ve spent enough hours with dr. google and reading dozens of research articles to know that the prognosis isn’t good. Cancer sucks.

We’ve tried to be as supportive as two stubborn, independent parents will let you: made dinner, cleaned the house, shared hugs and tears, listened, smiled, shared our baby making journey and so on. We always want to do more, to get rid of that helpless out of control feeling. So, a couple of weeks ago we did one of those mud runs to show our support. We signed up for the 5k Foam Fest, made awesomely cool t-shirts using the cancer treatment team she assembled in hypnotherapy as our inspiration. Her team is made up of flowers, dragonflies and a wolf pack.  What does this have to do with cancer you ask? Money raised from the run was donated to the Huntsman Cancer Institute, where she has been receiving treatment. Here is a photo of the shirt I made

shirtback?????????????????????????????????????????????!

The run was really fun. Her kids and some of our friends were all on a team, and our name was F#*c Cancer.  That’s really the only way to put it. There definitely could have been a little more foam throughout the race, I was a muddy mess. Now we just wait and hope that the cancer treatment team gets kicking into gear and kills all those cancer cells.

Here are some more pictures.

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Mmmbop

Unfortunately there is no one hit wonder here.

My period started today, just as fertility friend predicted. She’s such a good friend isn’t she. I have a feeling that if this journey takes too long I won’t think of her as much of a friend anymore.

I’m disappointed but not devastated. I knew the chance of a one hit wonder was about 6-10% or so. Which is also the estimated percentages of gay people in the world, how fun.

Wifey has to go out of town next month, and of course it’s scheduled for the week I am supposed to ovulate. What a buzkill. I don’t know her fight info so it’s possible that we’ll be able to squeeze in a try right before she leaves.

The good news is that I tracked all of my crazy symptoms and learned about “ectopic knee pregnancy” Which basically means that if you obsessed over every symptom in your knee, you’d be convinced you had a baby growing in there too. So, next go round I will hopefully be less obsessive and realize what is normal and what maybe isn’t.

The other good news is that I get to enjoy a tasty beverage tomorrow night at my BFF’s birthday party. We’re also going to a hilarious play with her and her hubby tonight so that’s two nights of adult beverages. It’s the little things. I might even go buy a wort chiller so that we can start brewing again, as a consolation prize.

And the journey continues.

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Menstrual or Pregnancy Migraine?

I’m losing hope. After our insemination, two weeks ago tomorrow, I was certain that it didn’t work. I always imagined it would take at least 6-12 months to knock me up. Then, as the days went on and I felt more and more “different” and obsessively started tracking my “pregnancy symptoms” I thought maybe we did luck out and we got knocked up the first time.

I’ve tested everyday since Saturday (10 DPO) and all BFN’s. Then I did some searching and found that most women don’t get a positive that early and started to feel hopeful again. My sister said she didn’t get a positive with her last baby until AF was a week late. There is hope, it’s small but it is there.

Then, this morning I woke up with a migraine. I have had chronic migraines since my tweenhood days. It wasn’t until we started tracking my cycles in preparation for baby making did I notice that I often get them right before my period. Often, not always. I also get them all throughout my cycle so who really knows if they are ever hormone related or not. I am worried that this one is though and I’m getting bummed before my period even gets here. AF is due tomorrow or Thursday.

So, now I sit here and wonder if this migraine is a reaction to dropping levels of progesterone, or if it’s due to the stress of the TWW, or lack of sleep as I have been exhausted lately, or just a random migraine (like 90% of them).

I’m now a pee stick addict so I will probably test again tomorrow, unless of course AF arrives before then.

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