Tag Archives: ttc

Stimming Along

Best laid plans eh?

Life is hard. Two  parents working full-time is hard. Marriage is hard. TTC is hard. Cancer is hard. Big life decisions are hard. Sigh….There are so many things to write about, to process, to share. At work (and at home) I feel like I am constantly drowning, at least a month behind. I tell myself it won’t always be this way. And then I find myself frozen. Drowning and frozen, great visual haha. And the result is well, as you can imagine, stuck. I can’t always see the light at the end of the tunnel and I don’t know where to start, what to focus on. Life is just hard.

But Nature Boy is amazing. He is really the most awesome kid ever and of course everyone’s kid is the most awesome kid ever. We really lucked out with this one, now only if he would sleep better. Maybe next month.

Our nanny put in her notice last week. They are moving, her husband got an awesome job offer. Back to big life decisions and cancer….great for them, bad timing for us. After lots of talking, and thinking, and researching things like selective mustism and how awful of a mother it would make me  to put him in a daycare, we found a Montessori school we feel mostly good about sending him to all day. It will make a huge difference in our budget and hopefully our quality of life. And hopefully it will only make me a slightly awful mother for putting my sweet, extremely shy child in this new and very social environment. His poor little world is about to be rocked. All I can do at this  point is hope it doesn’t ruin him.

But the good stuff. Today is day 5 of stims. J had a blood test yesterday and I guess everything looked good. Estradiol was 260ish? We have an ultrasound and another blood test tomorrow morning. I’m really excited to see how many follicles there are. None of this seems real. We’ve written the checks and picked up the meds and it still hasn’t sunk in yet that we are doing this. That J might be pregnant in a couple of weeks. I hope it works. I want so badly for Nature Boy to have a sibling. He would be such an awesome brother. He says he wants a sister. We’ll see buddy.

And more good stuff



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Not so Easy

I miss blogging. Life has been a whirlwind since Nature Boy was born, and even more so the last 8 months or so. Some things are easier and some things are harder. I haven’t made time to come here and I miss it. We’ve been working on #2 for a while now and I’ve really missed being among a community of others who are trying, and failing, and succeeding to add to their families. So I’m going to attempt to come back here and reconnect with this space and this community.

To make a long, and honestly quite boring, story short we’ve been TTC #2 since September of last year. This time J is hopefully going to carry. We started out with at home ICI’s again and after those few tries, I decided that it is really a miracle I ever got pregnant that way. After a disaster with FedEx, we took a few months off and opted for a fertility clinic recommended by friends of ours. We did 3 unmedicated and unmonitored IUI’s. All BFN’s. Last month we did a medicated and monitored IUI, another BFN. And now we’re headed for a 2nd medicated and monitored IUI tomorrow. Phew, that exhausts me just to write it out.

We’re not sure what we will do if this attempt doesn’t work. We have 2 purchased vials left of the same donor (Socrates) we used to get Nature Boy. Last time we called the bank he had less than 20 vials, so we’re feeling like we need to make the most of what we have. We’ve discussed IVF and going back to me carrying. Neither option sounds super appealing. I do want to be pregnant again, but the timing is off. I just got a big promotion at work and Nature Boy is still nursing. At this rate I think he’ll be nursing until he’s 5. So we still have some thinking and deciding to do.

But I’m slightly hopeful that this IUI will  work and we won’t have to go with either option. It’s hard to stay hopeful though. We’re reaching the point where people that starting trying when we did are having babies. It sucks.



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The Sperm of Many Hoops

We always wanted at least 2 kids. After Nature Boy* was born, J brought up having 4 kids. And yes I did have a minor freak out. She comes from a family of 4 kids and I come from a family of 3. Also losing my stepmom and having my mom diagnosed with cancer made us think that we wanted to give our kids a bigger support system for when we get old and are no longer around. So 4 is the current plan (only having 1 might make that seem more realistic, we’ll update after 2).

We also knew we wanted our kids between 2 and 3 years apart, but closer to 2. Which, for all you math whizzes out there, means it’s time to start trying to make a baby. Sometimes I feel totally ready and excited and other times I feel like we are barely surviving now, how will we survive 2 babies that don’t sleep through the night, and both go to work the next day? I also think about Nature Boy and how much I want him to have siblings to grow up and play with, basically to share his life with, and that outweighs all the fears and hesitations that I have.

So we are jumping back on the TTC train ready or not.

Or at least we were. We were going to try last month, but the bank told us we needed up update forms since it had been 2 years (barely) and one form was a medical certification form (also known as get permission from a dr. to get sperm sent to your house). Unfortunately, it was Labor Day weekend. J called her dr. office and found out her dr. was on maternity leave and no one else would sign it. Then she talked to someone else who said they would. I faxed her the form and then crickets. We left for our little Labor Day getaway and hoped it would all work out. Well it didn’t and one of the women at the bank was unnecessarily rude about it all. If we didn’t already have vials and didn’t care about our kids sharing genetics, we’d be seriously considered using another bank. So last month didn’t work out and it’s probably for the best. We had a super busy weekend on the possible insemination days and we all caught an awful tummy bug on our Labor Day vacay, so it wasn’t even close to ideal.

Here we are now approaching attempt #2 of TTC #2. J talked to the bank yesterday to make sure they got her medical form. They did, but said they didn’t have all the other forms we sent. So, after talking for a while, we realized they put them in my file and were her making J register as a client with them. Which is not just checking a box.  It includes a $75 fee and an hour long consult with their nurse practitioner and me authorizing the vials we already purchased to be released to J. Seriously folks. This is ridiculous. We thought we were finally done jumping through hoops and being nickled and dimed.

Then today, J called me to let me know the consult was done, they have all the forms, but now she has to have some sort of psych eval done because she, like 22% of Utahns*, suffers from depression and anxiety. There is a call in to her therapist, who she has already discussed pregnancy and postpartum with before we decided to go forward with her carrying #2.

I could write a novel about how discriminatory this is. I could list all the medical conditions that don’t require approval in order to buy sperm. Ones that are just as serious, ones that are just as deadly, ones that impact your ability to parent. Example: I suffer from migraines. They are awful. I’ve had one for 3 days now. I can barely take care of myself let alone a child when I have a migraine. They didn’t make me get a dr. note, essentially giving me permission to get pregnant, in order to get the sperm I purchased sent to me. I am beyond angry.

I am angry because suffering from depression should not be treated any different than suffering from migraines. I don’t suffer from depression, but I can imagine that the assumption that you cannot or should not be pregnant and/or have children (or need someone else’s permission to do so) could be quite triggering for someone who does. It makes me want to lie in order to not have my wife treated differently. It also makes me want to call them up and demand they treat all illnesses the same.

For now I will focus on the positive and what a great big brother Nature Boy is going to be. He loves taking care of his babies and even the little neighbor he has been sharing his nanny with.

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It’s hilarious when baby drinks water


Getting baby ready for a ride in the stroller


Showing lamb how to play with the bouncey chair

* Nature Boy shall be M’s new blog name

* Utah is home to the highest rate of depression in the U.S.

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How did we get here from there

It was Pride weekend 2008 (wow that makes me feel old) I was headed to the annual white party at the local lesbian club. I went with some friends and met up with the woman I was dating at the time. A good friend of mine, Shorty, introduced me to a woman I had never seen or met before, which is rare in the lesbian community where we live. I noticed Jamie before my friend introduced us and I was like da da da da damn. Okay, it was more like violins and butterflies and rays of sunshine, but the point is I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She just thought I was a hard ass, which of course I am.

About a month later Shorty and I were headed to the same lesbian bar. It must have been a full moon that night. Right before we went to the bar the woman I was dating broke up with me and on the way to the bar Angie and her girlfriend broke up. Jamie called Angie and asked if she could hang out with us. She and her girlfriend had just broken up a couple of weeks ago. So, there we were…. three sad saps at the bar listening to sad love songs and playing pool. Jamie and I started talking and were pretty immediately drawn to each other. I had just started as an AmeriCorps VISTA and she was in the process of joining the Peace Corps, we both loved the outdoors and were passionate about social justice.

A couple of weeks later Jamie asked me to meet up with them at the club. I swear I was not one those lesbians that went to the bar every week. These were the only three instances of me going to said bar the entire year. Jamie asked me to dance with her all night. I’m shy and kept saying no. Finally, before I left we danced a dance full of smiles, fireworks and pterodactyls (bigger than butterflies). After I got home I asked Shorty for Jamie’s number, Jamie had just done the same. Great minds think alike. So of course we started doing what modern introverts do…texting a lot. Sometimes Jamie forced me to talk on the phone, which I was super self-conscious about because I had bronchitis and sounded like an 80 year old male smoker. We went camping, had our first kiss by the lake, I impressed her with my intense scooter driving skills, and we have been stealing kisses by bodies of water around the world ever since.

We talked about whether we wanted kids or not during probably our second conversation ever and agreed that we both wanted kids and wanted to foster/adopt at some point, when the legislative system catches up with humanity.  Logically, this sealed the deal and we moved in together shortly after. I proposed after selling my plasma for months and we got married on the beach in California. Yes it was after Prop 8, but we wanted a ceremony on the beach.

Fast forward through moving across the country, going to graduate school at the same time (yikes), debating whether or not to move back to the land of zion, moving across the country again, living in a camper trailer, buying a house….and drumroll please: we are now making gaybies!

I am going to carry the first because I’m old. Jamie started telling me I was almost 30 since we met (I was 25 at the time). We’ve picked a donor we will call Socrates (more about this interesting process in a separate post). Our first insemination is planned for August at home, hoping to be one of those lucky couples that get pregnant after just 3 tries.

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